Putin To Take Over Signing Executive Orders; Trump’s Tiny Hand Tires

JOHANNA M. COSTIGAN, CO-EDITOR IN CHIEF | ILLUSTRATION BY OLIVIA KRAVETZ, GRAPHIC DESIGNER | FEBRUARY 1, 2017

It has been a busy first couple of weeks for Donald J. Trump’s right hand. Between the signing of seven executive orders and eleven presidential memorandums, not to mention the stress-masturbation induced by Melania’s understandable preference to live far, far away from him, the Donald is in desperate need of a break from singlehandedly undoing American government.

Luckily, one of Trump’s closest friends and sweetest blackmailers, Vladimir Putin, has offered to step in. The two have engaged in a bromance (albeit one with rumors of a Brokeback Mountain style twinge) ever since Putin agreed to secure Trump the presidency.

Putin expressed his gratitude for this honor during a press briefing (as he has also taken over as Press Secretary, since Spicer suffered from a breakdown caused by a dysfunctional spine and two absent nuts).

“Americans have always been rebels. Now we can just relax about it, eh? Embrace the corruption– I mean, nationalism, that all great nations have.” He then motioned to Trump to fetch him a cigarette. Donald’s orange hair had noticeably grayed.

 

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